


My Life is a Play

by TVBS



Series: A Human Vulnerability [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: M/M, Rape Recovery, Suicidal Ideation, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-11
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-05-01 02:01:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 12
Words: 21,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5187905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TVBS/pseuds/TVBS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A life can shatter in a few minutes. How it's put back together after is what matters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I should never say "I don't think I will" because it makes me think and look what happens.

Michael felt something stroking his hair. It was so gently, whatever it was, so nice... he made a happy noise and shifted a little. Whatever was stroking his hair pulled away and he groaned, sitting up slightly as he opened his eyes. That had been nice. Whoever took that away was going to pay, and pay dearly. He propped himself up on the arm of the couch and looked over, meeting Ryan’s torso before looking up at his face. “Why’d you stop?”

”I didn’t know you were awake,” he explained, coming back over to his side of the couch with a new Diet Coke and sitting down. “Is everything okay?”

Was everything okay. Well. That was a loaded question. Everything was _better_ than it had been. He was sleeping a lot better, and just generally feeling better. But okay? Michael looked over at Ryan as he turned on the side lamp, pushing himself into a sitting position. “Yeah,” he told him, turning so he could put his feet on the couch. Ryan instantly lowered his hand to them, almost instinctively now running his thumb over his ankle. “Everything’s fine.”

Ryan looked like he wanted to say something about that, but instead he took a sip of his Diet Coke. “I thought the movie was boring too,” he finally said. “If I knew, I would have brought something better.”

Michael yawned in response. It really hadn’t been the movie. While he had been sleeping better, he had been sleeping a _lot_. Didn’t really worry him all that much, though. He was just tired. That was all. Though, he would probably be a lot less tired all the time if he went back to the gym and worked out again but he hadn’t been back since- he quashed that thought immediately, sticking his thumb nail into his mouth and worrying at it. Enough of that.

”You didn’t get me anything to drink?” he finally asked, poking Ryan with one foot.

”You were asleep!” Ryan protested. “And now that you’re awake, you can go get something yourself.”

Michael grinned. “Yeah, but you should have gotten me something since you had been up.”

”You have two perfectly functioning legs. Get it yourself.”

Michael pouted, then stuck out his tongue as he got up. “Fine, asshole. Don’t get your boyfriend a beer.”

”You don’t have beer, do you?” came Ryan’s alarmed voice, making Michael turn to him.

”It’s a joke, Ry. I don’t have any alcohol stashed anywhere in this apartment.”

Ryan relaxed at that, resting his head on one hand as he looked up at Michael. “Well, even if you did, I still wouldn’t get you one. I’m all comfy.” To prove his point, he wiggled a bit on the couch, making Michael laugh.

”Start a new movie, would you?” Michael turned to go into the kitchen as Ryan went to do so, mirth falling away from his face as he left Ryan’s view. While the ‘no alcohol’ rule had been something they had mutually agreed on after how Michael had taken off of work one day to get drunk, it still hurt that he thought that Michael would still squirrel away a beer or two somewhere. He didn’t need alcohol to deal with the memories of what happened. He was dealing quite fine just the way things were, thank you very much. He barely had nightmares about being raped, after all. Everything was fine.

Michael stared at his open fridge for a minute, glaring at the leftovers. Of course everything was fine. He didn’t need Ryan worrying about him so much, or Geoff breaking up any tussles he and Gavin got into. For the most part, Geoff didn’t treat him any differently, but fucking hell. When it came to Gavin being an asshole to Michael, he policed him hard. Gavin had no idea what the fuck was going on, and he was starting to get pushy with Michael about it. He would need to get on Geoff about laying off and just letting him and Gavin be their dumbshit selves.

He didn’t think that Gavin would use the fact Michael had been raped against him. The dumbass kind of loved him in his own friendship way. And he could tell that Gavin wanted to know what was going on. But much like with Geoff, he couldn’t tell Gavin. He couldn’t tell anyone else in that office. Not only was it completely not their concern, but he also didn’t want them to change how they acted towards him. Ryan and Geoff at least got the idea for the most part. They didn’t treat him like glass. But how would everyone else treat him? Jack was kind as fuck and cared a lot about him. Gavin and him were bois. Hell, if the B Team knew... he didn’t want to know what kind of crushed look Lindsay would have on her face. That was going too far. No, he was leaving it at Ryan and Geoff.

And hopefully soon Ryan would trust him enough to fucking let him make the jokes about alcohol. That would be nice. Michael grabbed a bottle of water and came back out, sitting in his spot and sticking his feet in Ryan’s lap. “Let’s do this thing. What’d you pick?”

* * *

Michael saved his work, stretching. Today had been a good day. He and Gavin had filmed a great Play Pals, there was a fantastic Let’s Watch coming out soon, and he had managed to get everything done ahead of schedule. All told, pretty good.

Was there something he was missing? He didn’t need to record any lines; he had finished all his lines for RWBY, and X-Ray & Vav wasn’t ready yet. He wasn’t on any podcasts or anything today. Any live action segment filming? Were they filming anything soon for a GTA heist? Fuck, Michael couldn’t remember. He wracked his mind, coming up with nothing. Maybe there wasn’t anything and he was worrying over nothing?

He really couldn’t think of anything. It had to be just him worrying over worrying. Michael shrugged, getting up. He needed to get something to drink anyway. Michael started down the hall to get some water, grinning as he heard Geoff yelling and playful whoops. It had begun. Today had been really quiet, almost too quiet, and it only meant that someone had to get crazy and do something stupid. He laughed as he heard Ryan’s voice, trying to sound innocent when he knew he wasn’t. These were the assholes he worked with and his boyfriend.

The more he thought about it, the more it surprised him: why had Ryan wanted to ask him out on a date? At first he thought the whole “free reign while we kiss” thing had been to make him feel better, feel desirable after such a traumatic experience, but he could actually feel Ryan holding back sometimes. But why? The first problem came that he thought Ryan was decidedly straight. Hell, when he had admitted he would fuck Michael if Michael wanted him to he sounded surprised. So why would he put aside his straightness to date someone that had been been used up? Hell, that was another question: why would he want to date someone that had basically been used like a toy because some asshole wanted power and then left there to drag himself home and try to put himself back together? Fuck, that was just pathetic. Did Ryan really want that?

Maybe he did. Where did that put him?

Michael took a deep breath and went back to the office. No time to be angsting about his relationship and what it meant. He had an actual job to do and all that. And insanity to join in on. He really wanted to know what the fuck had just happened and who made Geoff yell like that because he couldn’t hear Gavin and that was a bad sign. Michael made his way in, looking around only for Jeremy to fall into him, knocking him to the ground.

The back of his head hit the wall, pain flaring through his skull.

”Shit, sorry.” There was weight on him. There was weight on him again and he couldn’t- it hurt- “Here, let me- Michael?” He had to be still because if he moved, that hand would come down again and-

”Move.” Michael stared up, not daring to move, almost not breathing as the person above him moved away. He couldn’t help but flinch slightly as fingers touched his shoulder, then pulled away as if burned. “Give him some space. He must have hit his head pretty hard.”

Ryan. That was Ryan. A sudden violent breath wracked Michael, trying to hold onto that. No one was on top of him. That was Ryan. Hold onto Ryan’s voice. Just- hold onto-! He could hear Geoff’s voice dimly as well, everything else falling into static as he felt someone take his hand. “I’m going to check your head now,” came Ryan’s soft voice. “I’m holding your hand. It’s okay.”

Shuddering breaths ran through Michael’s body as Ryan’s fingers moved his head, gently checking where he had cracked it against the wall. “It’s not bleeding,” he finally told him. “How are you doing?”

”Nngh,” Michael finally said, squeezing his hand. It wasn’t that it hurt. His pride felt more bruised than his head right now. He still just felt... panicked. Almost still inside his head about what had happened, and the sudden reawakening of the memory of being raped. “‘m okay.”

”Can you stand?”

Michael nodded, using Ryan’s help to stand up. Which just made the cherry on this shit cake. He needed help getting up. But everyone seemed to take what Ryan said at face value, not even realizing that he had nearly had a panic attack. Nice, but didn’t make up for the rest of it.

Well, not everyone. Geoff came over to them, worry etched in every part of him. “Dude, you okay?” he asked Michael quietly. “I’ve seen you get your head smacked a lot harder than that, and you don’t usually get frozen like that.”

”I’m fine,” Michael snapped at him. Fuck, he didn’t want to have this conversation. “I just want to go back to work.”

The tone in Michael’s voice made Geoff take a step back. Yeah, he better. Michael was tired of Geoff thinking he couldn’t take little smacks and hits and tiny little panic attacks. “Just looking out for you,” he told him. “If you’re okay, we had a great idea for an RT Life.”

That must have been what all the shouting was about. And then someone got out of control doing something stupid that caused Jeremy to run into him. “Yeah, okay.”

Normal day. Just keep going.

* * *

For as much as he liked the fact Ryan didn’t come over every day, some days he kind of wanted him over.

Like tonight.

Like when he would really want a good stiff drink to put him to sleep so the nightmares wouldn’t come.

Michael viciously pressed buttons on his controller, trying not to think about it. Even a few nights later he was still having nightmares waking him up about someone pinning him down in the fucking _office._ That was just great. Taking the old memory and fucking mixing it with what had just happened. Just fucking fantastic. Made for some great nights. He had barely gotten any sleep last night, and he was trying to stay up late enough that he would be so exhausted he wouldn’t dream at all.

It should work, right? Hell, he’d take anything at this time. A pill, a drink, exhaustion... just anything to keep the nightmares from coming back.

He had been doing so _well_. And then this shit happened. Just one little knock on the head and someone pinning him down and bam. All the memories were back, like they had never left. Michael let out some curses as his character died, letting out a breath as he leaned back, looking up at the ceiling.

For all the worrying Ryan did, it was nice to have him around. He would wake him up when he would start to have a nightmare. And more than that, he would hold him, as fucking sappy as that sounded. But that little thing made him feel more wanted than anything else, more loved. That even in the middle of him being a mess of a human being, his boyfriend was there for him.

His eyes started to slip shut, and he yawned. Time to go to bed. Michael got out of the game and powered down his system, turning everything off and heading towards the bedroom. Maybe tonight he would be too tired not to think about anything. Just sleep the dreamless sleep and wake up rested.

And maybe Geoff had a bridge to sell him.

* * *

”Do you want to go out tonight or get some sandwiches and watch a movie?”

”Mm?” Michael looked over at Ryan as they drove. He had drifting off into his own sleepy thoughts for a bit, and hadn’t realized a question had been asked. “Oh. Um. I guess we can get something from that place and eat in.”

Ryan glanced over at him briefly, frowning. “You don’t sound like you’ve been sleeping well.”

”Oh, you know, just the usual,” he told him, fighting the urge to yawn.

Just be normal. Be normal again. If he said it enough, it would happen.


	2. Chapter 2

He hadn’t been violent. Ryan slid his hands under his head as he stared at his ceiling, thinking. Sleep had been hard to come by tonight, the same thought circling his head. He tried not to let it bother him, but- Michael hadn’t been _violent_ when Jeremy ran into him. When his head hit the wall. Ryan knew what happened when he had been raped; Michael had told him at one point. So he knew that his rapist had slammed Michael’s head against the wall to stun him.

But Ryan had no idea if Michael not being violent when something like that happened was a good thing or not. He had no idea if Michael had been forcing down the urge to ram his fists down Jeremy’s throat in a panicked rage, or if he had been paralyzed by the memories. Ryan rubbed his face with one hand, trying to figure something out.

This whole thing was all so new to him, and he had no idea how to help Michael out. He liked him, that was true, and he wanted Michael to be happy. He liked it when Michael kissed him, even if it felt like he pulled away too early. He liked _Michael_. But he had no idea how to help him along. And that was all he wanted to do. Help him recover, help him put those ghosts to rest. But he couldn’t do this for him.

He could do what he could, though. Maybe he could take Michael out on a nice date? It would be nice to take him out somewhere fun. And it would get him out of the apartment. Michael needed to get out of the apartment more. Ryan couldn’t say for sure, but he had the distinct feeling he wasn’t going to the gym any more.

And could he blame him? He had been attacked on his way there. Maybe some day he would force himself to go, since Michael didn’t seem the type to let this keep himself away from something he wanted for long. Maybe if Ryan offered to go with him? That would be fun, actually. Going to the gym together. He would like that.

They still hadn’t told anyone at the office about them dating. Ryan had no idea how anyone else would react, but he had an idea that Geoff would not like it. He knew what happened to Michael, and he would take “dating” as “fucking,” which they were not doing. Ryan let Michael set the pace, and he was perfectly fine with the fact there was no sex going on. They would have sex when Michael felt ready, not before. In the meantime, he had his hand and a wealth of porn. He was fine.

Someday they would have to tell Geoff, though. He would need to know two of him employees were dating, and how it tied in with Michael’s mental health. All of them worked together on Michael’s mental well being, trying to support him with what had happened and helping him heal. But when Michael was ready. He didn’t want to tell Geoff before Michael was ready.

Ryan grunted, pulling both hands from behind his head as he rolled over. Speaking of Michael’s mental health, he wished he was over there right now, making sure Michael was okay. He had seemed rather quiet these last few days. And that just... wasn’t right. No one else seemed to have noticed it, even Geoff, but he was not the same Michael he usually was. He wasn’t like before, like he was when he had just been raped, but something was weighing on him. Ryan didn’t know how to get him to open up about it except to be there for him, and right now he wasn’t. He was at home, in his own bed, trying to get to sleep and failing.

Maybe all Michael had was a bout of insomnia and he was worrying about nothing. That would make him quiet as he tried to stay awake.

But Ryan had an idea that it really wasn’t that, and there was something he was missing.

* * *

The decision for Michael not to drink came easily between the two of them. He had gotten rather drunk shortly after he had been raped, taking the day off just to drink, and Ryan had suggested it would be better for his recovery if he didn’t try to drink during it. Michael had agreed quickly, and ever since then he hadn’t had a single drop of alcohol.

But he could tell that was putting a strain on his relationship with Gavin. A lot of their friendship revolved around hanging out with at least a beer in their hands. And since Michael didn’t seem ready to tell Gavin what had happened...

Gavin and Michael hadn’t hung out since he had been raped and Gavin was starting to get antsy.

”Ryan.” He looked up at Gavin’s voice, curious. “Hey, um, can I talk to you for a moment?”

”Sure, what’s up?” Ryan saved his work quickly, turning towards Gavin.

Gavin shook his head, looking over at Michael, who had one nail in his mouth, biting at it as he worked. “I mean, alone,” he finally said, looking back at Ryan. “Can I talk to you alone?”

He wanted to talk to Ryan alone and about Michael. Ryan plastered a fake smile on his face as he stood up. “Sure thing.” It made sense that Gavin would have finally figured something was up, but why Ryan? Why did he want to talk to him? The thought ran around his mind as they went to find an empty office where they could talk in peace.

Once the office door closed behind Gavin, he let out a long sigh. “What happened to my boi?” he asked, bluntly. “And don’t give me any crap about how he’s fine or he’s just working through something - I know something’s been wrong with him for at least a month now.”

That took Ryan by surprise. Gavin had known? “Look Gavin, I can’t-”

”No one can, apparently,” came the bitter response. “Geoff won’t tell me anything either. What happened that’s so bad that no one will tell me what happened to Michael? Why is he acting so odd? Why does he react the way he does to me or Jeremy? Is it us?”

”No! Gavin!” Ryan ran a hand through his hair. “It’s not you or Jeremy. It’s... something Michael has to tell you.”

Gavin stared at him for a moment. “I figured you’d know,” he finally said. “Since you’re shagging and all. But I figured you’d be willing to tell me. Guess I was wrong.”

”We’re not fucking,” was all Ryan could say, dumbly. “We’re- that’s-”

The look Gavin gave him said he didn’t believe him in the least. “Thanks for nothing,” he muttered. “Can I at least know why he won’t go for a bev with me anymore?”

Okay, that he could say. Maybe? “With what happened,” Ryan said cautiously, “it’s probably better he doesn’t drink.”

Gavin frowned. “Was my boi in an accident? Is he on pain medication? Or did he-” A sudden alarmed look crossed his face and Ryan found himself holding his hand out, trying to quash whatever thought had come to mind.

”It’s just better for him if he doesn’t drink right now. That’s all.”

”So... if I offered to come over without any bevs, he would accept?”

Ryan shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe?” It would probably be good for Michael if he and Gavin hung out again. It would be normalcy. That was what Michael wanted to get back to, right? “You don’t know until you try.”

Gavin thought about that, then nodded. “I wish you would tell me what’s going on,” he told Ryan.

”I wish I could,” he muttered as Gavin opened the door, the two of them leaving.

* * *

So he might be wrong, but by the way Michael had been quiet for the last twenty minutes, it sounded like he had fallen asleep during Minecraft recording. Ryan turned his character around, wishing he had a map to try and find Michael’s. But he had an idea considering what he had said before he had gone quiet- there. And yes, his character was not moving. Ryan stood up slightly, and saw Michael slumped over, the controller still in his hand.

Well, that wouldn’t do. “And here’s Michael, dead asleep,” Ryan announced when he sat back down, walking his character around Michael’s. He could see Geoff get up and look at Michael as well.

”Someone’s got to tell the kid not to stay up all night playing video games,” Geoff finally said, his voice light as he looked over at Ryan, eyes serious. Something was wrong if Michael was falling asleep at work. This was beyond a little insomnia.

Ryan could see something arcing towards Michael from Gavin - a creeper plush. Alarm raced through him at the sight and a belated warning rose to his lips as he started to stand up again, right when the plush hit Michael.

A scream wrenched its way free as Michael bolted upright, trying to back away from his computer and failing due to the headphones on his ears. He threw them to the desk as he backed away, panting wildly. He looked outright terrified, backing away from all of them. Gavin knocked his own headphones off as he stood up, coming over to Michael. “I’m sorry, Michael,” he told him, hands out. “I only meant to wake you, not-”

”Stop,” Michael finally choked out. “Just- stop.” He pushed Gavin away, face resolute as he went back to his desk, sitting back down. “We can edit that out, right?” he asked roughly as he started playing again.

”I- don’t think we can,” Jack told him. “We can try to bleep it out, I guess.”

”Good enough.”

Ryan swallowed, not yet sitting as Michael stared at his screen, a slight tremor in his hands obvious even to him.

* * *

Michael wouldn’t talk to him. Ryan’s thumb continually circled on his ankle as they watched the first episode of another TV show (this one chosen by Michael, and looking pretty good by the start of things), his mind caught up by that thought. He wanted to know what was wrong. Well, he could always ask that. Didn’t mean Michael would answer it, but-

”What happened back there? During recording?”

He hesitated for a moment, then Michael shrugged. “I fell asleep.”

”I saw that. I meant when you got hit by the plush. What happened?”

Michael went quiet, picking at a hole in his jeans. “It’s nothing, Ryan,” he finally said quietly. “Just... I haven’t been sleeping really well. Nightmares. I guess I had one while recording. They’ll go away.”

Ryan’s thumb stopped for a moment, then started again. Nightmares. Something he couldn’t help with. He couldn’t reach into Michael’s head and fish them out. “What about?” Maybe he could get him to talk about them, and maybe that would help.

”I...” Michael swallowed. “It’s... the usual. My rape. Being overpowered. I’m fine.”

”Do you want me to stay over tonight?”

That made Michael pause and sit up slightly to look over his knees at him. Ryan hadn’t stayed over a night, ever. But right now... “No,” Michael finally said. “I’ll be okay.”

”Okay.” Ryan lifted his hand to shake Michael’s knee before going back to his ankle. “But if you want me to, all you have to do is ask.”

”Yeah, I know. I’m fine, Ryan. Everything will be okay.”

Ryan smiled a little at that, thumb running soothingly over Michael’s ankle as they watched TV. When Michael pulled his feet away, it wasn’t a surprise, but when he turned to rest against Ryan- “Michael?”

”Just... shut up.” Michael let his head rest against Ryan’s shoulder as they watched. Carefully, Ryan moved so he was holding Michael, letting him move away at any moment if it was too much. But as he let his arm drape loosely across Michael’s torso, the younger man didn’t move away, his eyes still glued to the TV.

They stayed like that for the rest of the evening until Ryan left.


	3. Chapter 3

He really should kiss Ryan again.

Michael frowned as he stared at the TV screen, Ryan’s arm resting on his hip. There really was no reason to not kiss him. And... he hadn’t done so for a while. Ryan would start to think something was wrong with him, wouldn’t he? Absolutely nothing was wrong with him. He was just having a few nightmares. That was all. And Ryan was his boyfriend, after all. It was normal to suck face.

Normal. Yeah, like that was a thing that happened between them. Normal wasn’t exactly a thing that happened even before he was raped, and it was definitely not a thing now. It would never be a thing with any of the Achievement Hunters. They just weren’t meant to be normal. And that was how it should be. It was more fun that way, to be working with a bunch of pricks and assholes and to be able to be a prick and asshole as much as he wanted to be.

At the same time... Michael shifted, getting a little more comfortable next to Ryan. He wanted a little slice of normalcy. That bit where he would smirk and pin his boyfriend to the couch, making out with him until they were horizontal, hips rutting against each other in a way that couldn’t fulfill what each side wanted. The way he would be able to sink fingers into his boyfriend and hear him moan and gasp, the way he would be able to fuck... and he wouldn’t have that again. Even the idea of jerking it still made him sick, the memory of the pain radiating through him and then the horrible realization that tension was singing through him, that he hadn’t been touched, that he was being degregated in the worst way possible and he was about to _come_... Michael closed his eyes, taking measured breaths. He was okay. Everything was okay.

He should ask Ryan to stay the night. His presence next to him was nice. And it would be nice to wake up next to someone again. But there was this kind of line they had. Ryan stayed on one side, waiting for Michael to come to him. And Michael wanted to drag Ryan across it, but his own demons held him back. So the line remained, keeping them apart and keeping the relationship to a few kisses and a few dates. Which fucking sucked. Michael wanted more from it, just... he couldn’t. He couldn’t do it.

The episode ended and Ryan stirred, his hand dropping off of Michael’s body. “I should get home,” he told him quietly, the tone of his voice open for Michael to refute the statement.

And yeah, he wanted to. He wanted to grab Ryan and smash their lips together and tell him no, he wasn’t going home at all tonight. “Yeah,” he said instead, moving away. “Thanks for coming over.”

”I like it,” Ryan chuckled as he stood up. “And it was a good date. See you Monday?”

”Monday, yeah.” Michael stood up as Ryan went to leave, following him out. “Have a good night, Ryan.”

”You too.” He hesitated and Michael just wanted to grab him, pull him down to his level and give him a long kiss. “Sweet dreams.”

”Good night,” Michael said, his voice faltering slightly as Ryan left with a smile. Goddamn Ryan. Always putting him off guard. Michael closed and locked the door, pressing his head against the wood and sighing. He really needed to get the entire thing under control. Get back to his normal.

And then he could get somewhere with Ryan. Stop feeling guilty about not going anywhere with this relationship.

Michael glared at his door, trying to think. Where would he start?

* * *

A good Rage Quit always made him slightly hoarse. But as he turned off the recording, Michael grinned a bit. It always felt good to be Michael “Rage Quit” Jones for a while, especially after what had happened. That was a little piece of normal that nothing could change. Michael stretched as he stood up, walking around the room a bit. Time to calm down, get out of Rage Quit mindset.

He coughed a little bit as Geoff came up beside him, his throat dry. “What’s up?” he asked, voice strained before taking a sip of water.

”I sent everyone else to lunch so I can talk to you.” Oh for fuck’s sake. “Michael, I’m asking this not as your friend, but as your boss... is everything okay?”

Michael took another sip of water, not looking at him. “I’ve been having nightmares,” he finally said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “Of... what happened. Made it hard to sleep. I’m sorry, Geoff. But I’m fine now.”

Geoff looked at him for a moment, then nodded. “Look, I have to say this since it’s affecting your work, but if you need someone to talk to-”

”-which I _don’t._ ”

”-I can help you find a good therapist,” Geoff continued as if Michael hadn’t said anything. “And I really think you should find someone. Something made it worse again.”

Therapist. Out of all the things Geoff could have said, that pissed Michael off the most. “A shrink. You think I need a fucking shrink?”

”Or someone! Fuck, Michael. You fell asleep during recording and panicked when Gavin woke you up. We’re worried as dicks about you and we just want you to get better.”

Michael coughed a bit, his elbow covering his mouth as he did so. “Yeah, well, I don’t need a shrink. It was one time. It won’t happen again.”

”And if it does?” Geoff spread his hands wide. “Look, I don’t want to force you into anything. Just... think about it.”

”... fine,” he grumbled, taking another sip of water. “Can I go to lunch yet?”

”Yeah, go on.”

A shrink. God. Next he’d want to put him on some kind of happy pill. He was fine. He didn’t need that kind of shit.

* * *

That cough did not go away.

By Wednesday, Michael knew it would be impossible for him to do any recording. His voice was too strained and he was coughing way too often, his throat often on fire at the end of it. And if he didn’t know any better, he thought he might have a fever.

Whoever brought the plague with them into work was going to pay, Michael thought as he drained his glass of water, putting the glass on the table by his bedside and flopping back down onto the pillows. He wanted to be at work, where he would be busy. At home, alone, without Ryan... left him alone with his thoughts and memories.

And dreams. He kept falling asleep, and waking up in a panic as vague memories and intense emotions ran through him in a swarm of heart-pounding terror. One would think he would get more sleep calling out sick like this but nope, he was worse off than before. He didn’t want to fall back asleep, knowing what kind of nightmares awaited him.

Fuck, he needed to eat. Coughing slightly, Michael got up and started to wander into the kitchen. He should have some canned soup. Not the excellent soup he and Ryan would get, but hey. Nutrition of some form. Michael searched his pantry, finally finding the soup and starting to heat it up.

If there was any form of justice, Ryan would have knocked on the door. But as Michael watched the soup start to boil, he concluded justice was dead and he was just going to have to eat his sodium bomb of a soup. He spooned out a bowl and went to his table, slurping the liquid up in silence.

Ryan was at work right now. Ryan, Geoff, Gavin, Jack... all of them were at work. He couldn’t exactly ask anyone over considering where they were. And while he wanted someone over to fill the silence, he didn’t exactly want to spread the plague either. Except maybe to Gavin. Revenge for hitting him with a plush. Michael slurped up the last of his soup and dumped the bowl in the sink, going over to the couch and laying down, his head starting to pound as he coughed. Goddamn he felt like shit. Getting sick sucked.

Michael curled up a little on the couch, closing his eyes. Just a little nap. Just as long as his body would let him.

The knock at the door startled him what felt like moments later. Michael slowly sat up, noting it was a lot darker in the room. Slowly, he made his way to the door, coughing as he opened it up. “Oh. Hey, Ryan.”

He had soup and sandwiches hallelujah. “Hey. You okay?”

Michael nodded, holding the crook of his elbow up to his mouth as he coughed. “Just sick,” he told him in a strained voice. “You coming in? Come on, sharing is caring. Let me share this wonderful plague with you.”

Ryan laughed at that. “Yeah, I’m coming in.”

* * *

Someone held him down. Michael fought, trying to get up, and a strong hand clamped down on his face. He tried to suck in air but his nose was pinched shut, and his mouth only sucked against the palm to his face. He couldn’t _breathe._ Michael rolled his eyes up, trying to see who it was, and his heart pound in his chest as he saw-

No. He snapped awake, bolting upward. For a moment, he sat there, feeling the panic roll over his skin as the memory coursed through him. His stomach clenched and he swallowed, feeling the bile rise in his throat.

But nothing came up, and Michael ran a hand through his curls as his breathing evened out. Well. That was one hell of a nightmare. Not really all that surprising, all told. That was his mind’s favorite part of the event to bring back. Which was just great. It kept throwing how helpless he had been in his face constantly.

It was about time for him to get up anyway. Michael shut off his alarm as he made his way to the bathroom, chucking off his clothing as he went. He was absolutely covered in sweat from the night and needed a shower badly.

As the water heated up, Michael stretched, feeling his muscles loosen up from the night, a slight cough coming to his lips. Mm, still not gone yet. But it was doing better. And Ryan had come down with it, heh. Well, he knew Michael was sick. Only bad thing was he wasn’t going to be able to come over this weekend. Eventually there would have to be a weekend he wasn’t going to be able to come over, right? Michael snorted at that as he got into the shower, grabbing the soap.

... and there it was. Michael sighed as he stared down at the erection bobbing between his legs, bile rising to his mouth again. Morning wood, probably aided by a frantic heart rate. Great.

Actually, fuck it. Michael was fucking tired of this. Yeah, Ryan was okay with an asexual relationship, but _Michael_ wasn’t. He was a sexual creature. So fuck this shit. He wasn’t going to let this control him anymore. With those thoughts, Michael wrapped a hand around himself and started to pump, trying not to think as his hand moved. Pleasure without the pain, without the humiliation, without the-

Michael gasped as he came, blinking water droplets away. He looked down at his hand, at the white being washed away by the spray of water.

Then he dropped to his knees, only bile coming up as he vomited.


	4. Chapter 4

Okay, but Michael was going to pay for giving him this cold.

Ryan threw a pillow of his head, trying to block out any light and coughed. Fuck. Well, he had known Michael was infected. And he made the choice to go in there and spend time with him anyway. No one to blame but himself. And now he had to try to get to sleep like this.

Oh, if only he had a boyfriend that would make him soup- wait, he did, only his boyfriend was at his own home stewing in his own illness. Great. That meant he would have to get up and make it himself. Or get some water instead. Painkillers would be a good thing, considering just how much his head hurt. Ryan slowly got out of bed and made his way to the medicine cabinet, staring dully at it before finding the aspirin and knocking two into his hand. A quick gulp of water with the pills and they were down, leaving him to make his way back to bed.

Times like this made him wish Michael lived with him. It sucked not having someone around when he was sick. If anything, the sound of someone else moving around, the coughing, just the knowledge someone he loved was there. Ryan pulled the pillow back over his face, closing his eyes.

He was letting Michael take things at his own pace, but it was such a slow pace. When Ryan wanted to kiss him, Michael was sitting on his side of the couch, content to stay there. And when he did kiss Ryan, he tensed up and pulled away too soon. He was trying to be patient, and he really wanted to be supportive and helpful, but it drove him crazy sometimes. But like he said, asexual relationships existed and he would have to be okay in one. They weren’t together out of mad wild sex, but out of mutual affection and attraction. So he would let Michael take the lead and suck it up.

So many times, though, he wanted to kiss Michael goodnight, though... or take his hand during a particularly bad movie, pull him out of his side of the couch, and start kissing him. But he didn’t know how Michael would react to that, and he didn’t want to bring up any bad memories.

Maybe he could _ask_. Next time he came over and they weren’t cold-ridden, he could ask Michael if he could kiss him. That way, it pushed things forward a little and still gave Michael control to say no. Yeah, he could do that.

A hard cough caused him to curl up a little, his chest hurting with the force of it. Damn it. He needed to drink some juice tonight. Bomb his system with a little Vitamin C and see if that wiped this thing out. Ryan pulled the pillow off his head and sat up, noting his head was starting to feel a little better. The painkillers were kicking in. Though, considering how much he was coughing, they would only go so far. Right now, some juice... and yeah, time to make something to eat. Soup was easy and sat well on the stomach. But he felt like something a little more substantial. A sandwich. Yeah.

That sounded awesome.

Ryan made his way to the kitchen, yawning as he went. It was no use worrying about any of this until next weekend anyway. He wouldn’t be able to do anything with Michael until then. Both of them had work, and they both were not yet ready for it to be officially public. Though, by what Gavin said, it seemed like it was starting to be a badly kept secret. They weren’t fucking, though. That was the one thing Ryan would definitely let Michael take at his own pace. Never before he was ready.

He could wait for that, and he could never have it if it never came. That would never bother him at all.

* * *

Michael looked a lot better than he did last week. A lot more color in his face, a lot more animated. Which was good because Ryan still felt like shit. Geoff looked at him with his eyebrows climbing for his hairline, then shook his head. “You know you have to record shit, right?”

”Why I’m here,” Ryan told him, voice rough.

”Right. Just reminding you to look alive.” Geoff clasped him on the shoulder, and came in close, his voice pitched between them. “Hey, if anything was happening between you and Michael, you’d let me know, right?”

Badly kept secret. “If you think we’re fucking, we’re not,” he told Geoff, voice low. “I wouldn’t do that to him.”

Geoff looked at him, studying his face. “Yeah, now tell me the whole truth.”

Ryan looked over at Michael, laughing with Gavin about something. He sighed, mentally going through all the things he could say, and coming up with what he should say. “We’re dating,” he finally told him. “But everything happens as fast as he wants it. He kisses me, not the other way around. And I’m telling the truth; we’re not fucking.”

Geoff rubbed his face, the look of a dad hearing words he didn’t want to hear crossing his face. “While I’m happy to hear you two aren’t fucking, did it occur to you that maybe it’s not a good idea to date him? After... is he even gay?”

”All I know is he said he knew even before what happened that he wasn’t straight,” Ryan admitted. “If that meant gay, bisexual, pansexual, or anything else, I don’t know.”

”Are _you_ gay?”

”Kinda personal, Geoff,” Ryan laughed, feeling awkward. “And... I like Michael. I don’t really care what my sexuality is. When it comes to Michael, I like him, and that’s all that matters to me.”

Geoff stared at him, not even batting an eye as the volume increased from Team Nice Dynamite to ear-splitting levels. “Don’t hurt him,” he finally said.

”Or you’ll come after me with a shotgun? Geoff, I grew up in Georgia. I’ve heard this before.”

”Or I’ll sic Griffon on your balls.”

”I have not had my genitalia threatened with a chainsaw before. Point noted.”

* * *

It was good for Michael. He had to spend time with people other than Ryan. Spending time with Gavin was good for him.

Ryan still couldn’t help but worry, knowing Gavin was over at Michael’s apartment. There was no alcohol the last time he was there, and Gavin knew that Michael wasn’t supposed to have any, but God. Those two did stupid shit sometimes and Ryan was afraid at some point, alcohol would make its way to the apartment. And he had no idea what Michael would do now drunk.

No, this was good for him. Get back to normal. Gavin would spend time over at Michael’s, and then the next day Geoff would haul both their asses to work. And neither of them hungover. It would work out well.

Ryan went to get a Diet Coke out of the fridge. It was good for Michael. He needed to spend time with his best friend.

* * *

So it was a good thing words weren’t tangible because Ryan would literally be eating them right now. Michael looked like shit, and Gavin didn’t look much better. He kept standing up, then sitting back down, all nervous energy.

Looking at Michael, Ryan realized. Something had happened. What, he couldn’t tell. But something had happened between them that caused them to look like this. Michael looked like he hadn’t gotten any sleep at all... more nightmares? Or just a continuation of the current ones? And what did Gavin say that made things so bad?

He couldn’t even ask Michael what had happened due to having a full day. Recording for just about everything came due, and he was drawn away from Achievement Hunter to take care of his other duties. Hopefully Geoff noticed and asked, but who knew if Michael would actually talk to Geoff? Ryan thought he would; Michael respected Geoff to the point of a surrogate father. But if it had something to do with his rape, he might just clam up.

Why didn’t Michael want to talk about it? This kind of thing didn’t just go away! He just... tried to push it down and it wasn’t working. And it was making it worse and worse to the point something happened between him and Gavin. Ryan didn’t know how related to the rape it was, but Michael’s current irritated state and the way it got worse was tied to that.

Maybe Michael needed to go see a therapist. Someone to talk to that was trained in this kind of thing. He cared about Michael a lot, but he could only do so much. And he couldn’t sit by and watch that much completely ruin all of Michael’s current relationships with people. But how could he convince Michael of that? Convince him that it wasn’t weakness to see a professional?

It would need to be done carefully. He knew that much.

As it was, he was going to go over to Michael’s after work. Michael was going to go home first, since Ryan had things he had to do at work before he came over. And then once he finished that, he definitely was going to sit Michael down and talk to him.

Once he was done filming.

* * *

”Ryan, man, you were completely out of it today,” Meg noted as the cameras cut recording. She turned to him on the Free Play couch, resting one slender hand against her head. “Everything okay?”

”Huh? Yeah, why would something be wrong?” He smiled at her, spreading his hands.

Meg didn’t look convinced in the least as she toyed with a bit of her hair. “You’re usually more enthusiastic when you win an Internet Show-and-Tell. What’s wrong?”

”Ah, it’s nothing. Just something I have to do after work.” Ryan waved a hand, shrugging a bit. Even if it was a poorly kept secret, the fact he and Michael were dating was still a secret in some fashion.

”Hm.” Meg lifted her head. “Does it have anything to do with why I picked up Gavin from Michael’s way too early? And way too sober?”

”Why, is it supposed to?”

”Ryan, I don’t know if it caught your attention, but you two are really bad at keeping the fact you and Michael are fucking a secret. So what happened between Michael and Gavin?”

Oh boy. “We’re not fucking,” he told Meg. “And I don’t know.”

”But you’re going to go over to your boyfriend’s and find out.”

”But I’m going over to Michael’s, yes,” he conceded.

”Cool. I’ll try to sort it out with Gavin on my end. He’s been really secretive about it for some reason.” Meg made an incredulous face, spreading her hands. “I don’t get it.”

Ryan had an idea what it might be, and it made his heart sink. “Well, don’t push him too hard. It might just be something the two of them need to work through.”

”You’re probably right.” Meg then slapped his knee, smiling. “Now get your stuff done so you can get over to your boyfriend’s apartment. And stop trying to tell us you two aren’t together.”

”But we’re not fucking,” Ryan protested, spreading his hands as she laughed.

* * *

Moment of truth. Michael’s apartment. What would Ryan find here?

There would be a lot of things. Ryan pushed away the more disturbing thoughts, trying to focus on the more likely ideas. Michael playing games. Michael eating. That kind of thing. He didn’t want to think of- Ryan shook his head, and knocked on the door.

At first, no one answered. That made sense. Michael didn’t know he was coming over. And then he knocked again, and no one answered again. Alarm rose in him as he knocked a third time, the memory of beer bottles coming to mind as the door finally opened and Michael glared up at him.

”If someone doesn’t answer it usually means ‘leave me alone,’” he informed Ryan.

”I just-” Ryan started before Michael snorted, looking away.

”You know what, you’re my boyfriend. You should know.” Michael opened the door enough that Ryan could see the full beer bottle in his hand. “I haven’t taken a sip,” he told him quietly, handing the bottle to Ryan. “I was about to when you called. There’s more in the fridge.”

”Michael...” No, he shouldn’t lecture. It didn’t go well last time. Instead, Ryan walked past him, going to the kitchen to dump the beer out. “Why?” he asked instead.

At first, Michael didn’t answer. Ryan looked over to him, seeing him with his head against the closed front door. “Gavin,” he finally said, lifting his head. “Gavin knows I was raped.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been writing on the fun anti-migraine painkillers for this chapter so I apologize for the quality. And I also want to say this starts Michael's suicidal ideation, so be careful from here.

Ryan didn’t react. Michael didn’t know why, but he didn’t react. Then the last bit of beer emptied into the sink and he set the empty bottle down, turning to him. “What happened?” he asked, his voice soft.

”Gavin...” Michael shook his head. Fuck, how had he known? “He just... fucking guessed, I think. Started asking me a lot of questions while we were playing and he just fucking asked-” He broke off suddenly, grinding his teeth. “And then he laughed,” he said, voice a low snarl. “He laughed at it.”

”I don’t think Gavin was laughing at-” Ryan started.

”He fucking laughed!” Michael cut him off. “I don’t fucking care why the hell he did, but he laughed at it.”

”Gavin wouldn’t laugh at you.” Ryan’s face fell into distressed lines as he took a step towards him. “He’s an asshole but he wouldn’t laugh at something this important.”

”I’m glad you have such faith in him but he’s that much of an asshole.” Michael suddenly felt tired, rubbing his face. It just... he didn’t want to talk about this anymore. He had been lucky that Ryan and Geoff had reacted the way they had. Someone had to eventually react like an asshole. It just made sense that it would be Gavin. He was the asshole among assholes. “Look, just take the rest of the beer and go.”

Ryan started to reach out to him, and Michael stepped away. Fuck that. “Will you be okay?” he asked, eyes on Michael’s.

No, but he would have to be. “Yeah,” he told him roughly.

Ryan didn’t look for one moment that he believed him, but he didn’t push it. “Do you want me to come over tomorrow?” he asked instead.

”You mean for our date?” Ryan nodded, and Michael exhaled hard. He kind of didn’t. Not after that. But he kind of did at the same time, considering he wanted someone that supported him after what had happened. “Yeah, fine. Come over.”

For a moment, Ryan stared at him, then he came over to him, gently touching his jaw. “Can I kiss you goodbye?”

Oh fuck. _Now_ he was asking? When he was not exactly happy? “Just go, Ryan.”

Ryan hesitated, then dropped his hand, nodding. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he told him as he gathered up the beer. “What do you want to eat?”

”Burgers and fries.” Grease just sounded good.

”Can do.” Ryan smiled at him, the curve of lips awkward as he left. Michael watched him go, not closing the door until he was completely out of sight.

If things hadn’t gone the way they had, Ryan finally asking to kiss him would have been a reason to rejoice. Yeah, they were going at Michael’s pace, but that was okay too. And it was proof that Ryan was actually holding back in the kisses and wanted Michael. But right now, after hearing Gavin...

The memory came back to him, bubbling to the surface in all its horrible glory.

* * *

”You rigged it somehow,” Michael laughed, throwing down his controller. “There is no way you won three times in a row.”

”Oi!” Gavin looked at him, his face upturned into an exaggerated pout. “I couldn’t be skilled at this game?”

Michael turned to him, pushing him slightly. “You and Meg have a bet as to who can beat it first, don’t you?”

That made Gavin grin as he fought to keep his balance. “Ah, well. I’m not losing to her.”

Michael shook his head, reaching for his Coke can and taking a long pull. “Mm.” He pulled the can away suddenly, wiping his mouth with his wrist. “Hey. How is Meg doing, anyway?”

Gavin smiled widely. “She’s top! We need to have another game night, the three of us together. Hey, maybe you can ask Ryan to come with you.”

”Why would I ask Ryan?” Michael frowned, wondering where Gavin was going with this.

”Because it’s so bloody obvious you two are shagging.” Gavin waved a hand as Michael blanched. “What I don’t get is why you two are denying it. We’re not going to be stupid and homophobic about it. You don’t need to hide it from us. I-”

”What, Gavin?” Michael demanded, still reeling a bit from what he said. “And we’re not fucking. We... we’re just not.”

”This is what I’m talking about, boi! You’re still hiding things from me. I know something’s wrong. Bloody hell, boi, I’ve known since it started! I saw you walking around stiff and sore and I saw how completely mad you were acting. And I couldn’t figure out what happened. Why are you keeping it from us, Michael?” Gavin gestured, frustration in every motion. “Were you in an accident? Or- or... bloody hell, Michael, I would believe you were raped at this point, you’re acting so strange.”

Michael froze, barely feeling the can drop from his fingers. Gavin jumped a little as it hit the floor, then a little half-smile crossed his face as he laughed a little. “Th-that’s it. Michael...”

He fucking laughed. “Get out,” Michael whispered as he picked up his fallen Coke can. Gavin had guessed he had been raped and then _laughed._ “Call Meg to pick you up and wait at the fucking curb. Just... get out.”

”Michael, I-”

”Get the fuck out!”

* * *

Michael shook himself, going to the fridge and grabbing the juice. There was at least one good thing about the whole thing: Gavin at least seemed to keep his fucking mouth shut. No one else came up to him about it. Hell, Geoff even didn’t come up to him saying hey, Gavin told him that he knew. So Gavin wasn’t talking. And that was good.

It didn’t really matter how good it all was, though, he thought as he slammed back a glass of juice. His best friend now knew and it wasn’t like he was being supportive about it. Gavin was being an asshole about it.

Yeah. Just peachy. His best friend was an asshole about the event in his life that changed fucking everything. Michael went into the living room and dropped onto the couch, resting his head against the back. Well, he had Ryan and Geoff. And Ryan was coming over tomorrow for a date.

Maybe they should just come out in the office as dating. Just so people would stop thinking they were fucking. Of course, most people thought ‘dating’ meant ‘fucking’ anyway. Hell, usually for Michael it did. The fact he had been dating Ryan for weeks and still couldn’t go further than kissing... well, considering he still couldn’t jack off without throwing up or feeling sick at the end, he wasn’t going to try to get naked with Ryan any time soon.

Goddamn it, he didn’t want this to fuck with him anymore. He wanted to deal with Gavin in a way where he didn’t laugh off an event in his life that already made him feel useless and emasculated. He wanted to be able to show affection openly with Ryan.

But his relationship probably would have never happened if he hadn’t been raped. Ryan didn’t show interest in him before. Fuck, what was Ryan’s thought process about that? Why did he want Michael _after_ he had been raped? Did he think he was a fucking project to be pieced back together?

Yeah, he wanted to have his relationship with Ryan to be one where he didn’t have to think about things like that.

Michael groaned, covering his eyes with his arm. He should have never let Ryan know he had alcohol because he needed a drink. He just... really needed something right now. The nightmares had been particularly fun lately, and he had given up sleeping a full night.

Once upon a time, he had told Ryan that suicides went to Hell. As Michael lowered his arm and looked up at the ceiling, he wondered... what happened when you already lived in Hell?

* * *

It was a good thing they were all actors to some point. They could act like everything was okay through the week and pretend nothing had happened between Michael and Gavin. And he knew Ryan had told Geoff because he didn’t even ask what went on. Which he couldn’t exactly say anything about. It was kind of nice to not have to explain it again to Geoff.

Michael yawned, trying to stay awake as he propped his head on his hand while he edited. After the time he had fallen asleep during a recording, he tried not to do that again. It was enough to do it once and ruin a recording with his nightmares. He didn’t want to do it again and have to handwave it again.

”Hey, asshole.” And there was Geoff. Michael looked up at him, blinking blearily as he took his headphones off. “You doing okay?”

”Mm.” He nodded a little, rubbing one eye. Yeah. He was fine.

Geoff leaned in, his eyes serious. “Given any thought to what I said before?”

What he said before? Michael frowned, trying to remember. Was it something about a show or... a recording? He couldn’t really... then he scowled. “Fuck you,” he hissed. “I’m not about to do that.”

”Just asking, geez.” Geoff straightened up, patting him on the back. “So, you and your boyfriend do anything fun this weekend?”

”We’re not fucking-” Michael started before Geoff waved a hand.

”I know. But everyone in the office knows you and Ryan are an item because you two are the fucking worse in hiding it. So, you and your boyfriend do anything fun?”

Michael sighed, leaning back in his seat. “You don’t have to do this, Geoff. But yeah, we had a date. Burgers, fries, movie.” He shrugged.

”I’m glad.” Geoff smiled oddly at that, clasping his shoulder. “Look, kid, I want what’s best for you, okay? So you have good dates with Ryan.”

”You did hear what happened with me and Gavin, right?” he asked tartly, making Geoff sigh.

”I haven’t had a chance to ask the little prick what the fuck he was thinking, but yes. I don’t think he was trying to be an asshole, but who the hell knows with him.”

Michael rubbed his face, taking a deep breath. No matter what, he had been a fucking asshole. “Yeah, well.”

Geoff clasped him on the shoulder, shaking it slightly. “Keep what I said in mind. Okay?”

”Whatever,” Michael mumbled as Geoff left. He would be fine. He didn’t need to bother Geoff to find a fucking shrink. Everything was going to be fine.

That was starting to sound hollow even to himself now.


	6. Chapter 6

Gavin couldn’t have been that much of an asshole. Ryan believed a lot of things about Gavin, but the one thing that everyone knew about him was he cared about Michael a lot. They were best friends, and there was no way that Gavin outright laughed at learning that Michael had been raped. There was no way.

Finding out what had actually happened was hard, though. Michael’s skewed perception was all he had to go on because Gavin refused to talk to anyone. Why? Why did Gavin not want to tell anyone what happened and why he had laughed? Ryan couldn’t figure it out. Geoff had tried to talk to him, and Gavin just said they had a fight. Of course, Gavin didn’t know that Geoff knew that Michael had been...

...

Wait, was that it? Gavin didn’t know who knew. Was he trying not to let anyone else know, trying to keep his boi’s dignity? Ryan stared at his screen, his mind working around it. Gavin was a dick, everyone knew that. But he cared a lot about Michael. Did he not want to talk to anyone because that meant admitting that he knew that Michael had been raped, and possibly telling someone that didn’t know?

Shit. Gavin wasn’t going to talk to Geoff due to not wanting to betray Michael’s trust. But Ryan could take that first step and tell him that yes, he was Michael’s boyfriend and yes, he knew what happened and get him to talk to him. It wasn’t too bad; Gavin liked him. Sitting him down and sussing out why he had laughed at learning that shouldn’t be too bad.

He said while trying to figure out when to do it, Ryan thought wryly. Gavin had his own shooting to do, and Ryan was going to be busy soon with recording. Maybe he could convince Meg to let him drive Gavin home tonight? She did sometimes have to wrap up her own stuff before stopping by Achievement Hunter and picking Gavin up. That might work.

No, that wouldn’t. Ryan just remembered. Meg and Gavin had plans tonight. He had been talking about them for weeks now. Something big that she had wanted to do. No, not today then. Ryan frowned, still considering all his possibilities. There was always taking Gavin out to lunch. Or taking the chance of catching him between things. Or getting him before they started recording for a video.

Trying to figure this out was insanely difficult. More so than it really warranted. Really, he would have to just bite the bullet at some point and just pull him aside. Tell him hey, ‘we are talking now, and you are going to tell me what’s going on.’ Problem was that both of them were just so busy with things that neither of them could afford that time.

Maybe tomorrow.

Ryan stretched, standing up to get another Diet Coke. He needed to wet his throat before recording. Always a good thing to do. He started his way down to the fridge, stopping when he saw Geoff talking into his cell phone.

”Yeah? Uh huh. Thanks.” He hung up with a sigh, turning to see Ryan there. “What’s up?”

Ryan shrugged. “Just getting a drink. Something wrong?”

Geoff looked around, then leaned in a bit. “Michael’s gotten a lot worse lately,” he told him, his voice worried. “I’m not forcing him, but... I’m doing a little research if he decides to say yes. I’m looking up therapists that specialize in... well, therapy for this kind of thing. Seeing who takes our insurance.”

”Oh thank God you also want him to go to a therapist,” Ryan said, relief in his voice. He had been reading up on ways therapists could help in case Michael didn’t want to go, and he doubted he could effectively help him with CBT or DBT. “Have you found anyone yet?”

”Lots of people. I’m thinking a woman might be better for him considering what happened... unless you think he’d just relate to a guy better?”

”No, yeah, a woman would probably work the best.” Ryan nodded, feeling something lift off his chest. Thank God that Geoff cared as much about Michael as he did. “Geoff, I’m going to need your help with something.”

”Yeah, what is it?” Geoff asked, his eyebrows climbing for his hairline.

Ryan took a deep breath. This could backfire, but he had to try. “You know how Gavin won’t tell anyone his side of the story? I think I know how to get him to talk. But I need some time alone with him.”

Geoff frowned, thinking that over. “How the hell could you get him to talk?”

”I just have an idea. Can you postpone GTA recording for a little bit so I can pull Gavin aside to talk to him?”

He nodded. “Fuck, Ryan, I can do better than that. I’ll go grab Gavin right now and an office and you two can talk it out.”

”I have to go do something soon,” he told him, making Geoff sigh. “Maybe when I get back?”

”Yeah, I’ll see what I can do then. Hey... you know, thanks. For helping out in the first place.”

Ryan hesitated, a small smile creeping its way on his face. “Hey. It’s no problem.”

* * *

In the end, he didn’t need to make any crazy plans or anything like that. All told, it came down to something very simple.

Gavin sought him out.

It was after he had come back after recording Free Play. He was running high on exhilaration, the stunt having been one of the more fun ones they had done, and one that had absolutely no harm possible to Meg. After her concussion, he had always felt a little bad about doing anything that physically hurt her. Now, making her ill like the pumpkin spice latte stunt... that was different. And those spins were not all his fault. Just the ones where he could pick what he put in her drink.

On his way back, Gavin stopped him, his face serious. “Ryan, can I talk to you?”

”Yeah.” Ryan followed him, wondering and a little hopeful that Gavin was about to talk about what had happened. Gavin took them to the same office they had used before, and closed the door behind them. “What’s up?”

Gavin sighed, turning to him. “Ryan, you two are not shagging. Correct?”

Ryan nodded. “That is right.”

”But... you and Michael are really close. It looks like you two are. And...” Gavin looked upset at this, obviously trying to find words that didn’t include references to Michael’s rape.

”I know what happened to Michael,” Ryan told him. “If we do fuck, it’s when he wants to. What I want to know is what happened when you found out.”

”What?” Gavin blinked at him, not comprehending some part of it. “What do you... you know? You know Michael was...” He swallowed, looking away. “This kind of thing doesn’t happen to people you know,” he finally said, his voice pleading, as if trying to make it go away. “It doesn’t happen to strong people like Michael.”

Well, it didn’t sound like he found Michael’s rape funny. “I know, Gavin,” Ryan told him, making his voice gentle. “But... Michael told me how you reacted.”

Gavin turned to stare at him. “I couldn’t help myself,” he told him. “All I could think was it couldn’t be true. That Michael couldn’t have been... that I had fallen asleep and it was a bad dream. And I just... couldn’t help it.”

”Michael thinks you laughed at him.”

”I didn’t! I wouldn’t laugh at my boi for something like this!” Gavin’s hands caught into fists, frustration in every line. “He had been used. I don’t find that funny at all. It’s... absurd, innit? That it could happen to Michael? Not funny, but...” A nervous chuckle escaped Gavin’s lips, and Ryan started to understand what happened.

”You were so surprised that all you could do was laugh,” Ryan murmured.

”Yeah! I want to be there for him, I just... Ryan, I don’t know what to do now. He hates me for laughing, and I don’t know what to say.”

Thing was, Ryan didn’t know either. “Just... give Michael time. He’ll come around.”

Gavin nodded, rubbing his face. “He has you, yeah?” he finally asked, looking at Ryan. “You two aren’t shagging, but he has you.”

”Yeah. He has me.”

”Good.” Gavin took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders. “Let’s go finish today, yeah?”

* * *

Michael rested against him, possibly asleep as the episode played. Which was surprising because this was a good episode. Maybe the best one of the season so far. But considering how badly he had been sleeping, maybe this was for the best. Ryan’s thumb stroked his side as he watched, trying not to let his mind wander. It was better to just enjoy the show and the feeling of Michael next to him.

It had been a pretty good week. Michael had thawed a little bit towards Gavin, making it a lot easier to get stuff done. Most fans wouldn’t pick up on how strained it had been between the two of them since they were pretty decent actors, and Michael was definitely good at modulating his voice so he sounded any way he wanted to.

Michael stirred next to him, pulling away. Ryan let him, a little surprised, when Michael turned his face to him and kissed him. That was nice. Ryan turned towards him so it was easier as he tilted his head, opening his mouth to deepen the kiss. Michael responded in kind, running one hand up into Ryan’s hair as he leaned into him, the movement and shaping of his lips hard and deep.

Which made Ryan frown, pulling back. Something wasn’t quite right about all of this. It was nice that Michael wanted to kiss him, but not like this. Something was bothering him. “Michael.”

”What?” Michael snapped, looking up at him. “Does my breath stink or something? Why’d you stop kissing me?”

Carefully, Ryan took Michael’s hands and pulled them away from his body. “This doesn’t seem right,” he told him. “Something’s wrong.”

Michael scowled. “And suddenly you’re the expert on me? You think you know everything about me, is that it?”

”I know when you feel like you’re pushing yourself,” Ryan retorted.

That made Michael stop, running a hand through his curls. “Yeah, well,” he muttered. “You’re not the one tired of this bullshit.”

”And what bullshit is that?”

Michael pulled away from Ryan, one hand coming to his mouth so he could nervously worry at a nail. “I’m not fucking asexual,” he finally said. “And this whole ‘okay with asexual relationships’ thing is fucking bullshit. I- I’m tired of not having control of my own goddamn sexuality. So I’m taking control of it. I want to fuck you and be back in control of myself.”

Ryan stared at him. So much of that sounded wrong and a bad idea. So much of that sounded like it could go wrong. He wasn’t even sure Michael was ready for it. “Michael, are you sure?”

”Shut the fuck up and kiss me.”

God. He didn’t want to do this. He could be making Michael worse if he went along with this.

Or he could be impeding his recovery by saying no.

... if Michael looked like he was about to freak out, Ryan would stop it. He wouldn’t let Michael push himself too far. He could do that much.

Ryan kissed Michael, pulling him closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're worried that I'm about to go the Magical Healing Sex route... I am a firm believer sex can sometimes make things worse.


	7. Chapter 7

He needed a shower.

Michael stared at the ceiling, hearing the soft rumble of a snore from Ryan as they laid together, and could only thing that he needed a shower, badly. He was covered in sweat. Everything just felt... dirty. He slowly got up, grabbing the towel he had used to wipe Ryan down after, and headed for the bathroom. As he started the shower, he tossed the towel aside, sighing.

It could have gone worse. He had managed to at least get through it without puking on Ryan. Michael tested the water, getting in when he found the temperature acceptable. Without thinking, he grabbed the soap, starting to scrub down his body.

Ryan had let him fuck him. It had made things go a lot easier. Instead of having to deal with how to actually take it the right way, Michael had been back on familiar terrain. His dick in tight warm heat while he pounded his way into an orgasm... yeah, it was something he had done before. It just took all of his concentration to do it. But he had. He had sex with Ryan Haywood and it had felt good. It hadn’t hurt. He had grabbed control of his sexuality and rode it to victory.

Michael shuddered, nearly dropping the soap. He had done it. Everything was okay now. He could keep doing that too. He had control again, right? The memory of his rape wasn’t controlling him anymore. He took a deep breath, running the soap over the back of his neck, then down his chest. Everything was fine.

Fine.

The water was starting to cool. Michael blinked, surprised, and put the soap back, noting that his fingers had started to prune. He had been in the shower a lot longer than he had thought. With a few quick motions, he turned off the water, then reached for a towel that wasn’t there. He had forgotten to grab a fresh one.

Great. Well then. Michael carefully stepped out of the shower and over to the closet, grabbing a fresh towel and starting to dry off. As he did, he caught his reflection’s gaze in the mirror.

See, he thought. That was the face of someone who was fine. There was color in his cheeks and he looked well fucked. So he didn’t have to worry about anything. The fact he had came when he was raped no longer mattered. It had nothing to do with his sexuality now.

Michael turned away from the mirror, not wanting to see what his face turned into at that thought.

* * *

Winning a VS was a fantastic high. Michael beamed as he held the belts and trophy, waiting for the camera to cut. Once it did, he let out a long laugh. “Oh man! That had been a while!”

”You deserved it, kid,” Geoff told him, clasping his shoulder. “No better person to lose to.”

”Aw shucks.” But he couldn’t help but beam wider at the praise as he went to put the belts and trophy away. It had been really nice to just film the VS, and on top of that, actually win it? Yeah, today was a good day. Michael settled into his seat, ready to put his headphones on when he saw someone come up next to him. Looking up, the good feeling drained away as he saw Gavin. “What is it?”

”Michael, I...” Gavin spread his hands, awkwardly fumbling for words. “Boi, I spoke with Ryan, and...”

”And what?” Michael asked, his voice dropping to a dangerous pitch. Geoff had said everyone knew they were an item so if Gavin was about to drop on him he knew Ryan and Michael were fucking, that was old news.

”You’re good to have him.” The words came out hard and fast. “He’s a good bloke. We talked about what happened and- it wasn’t that I was laughing at you, boi. I just couldn’t help myself. I...” Frustration filled his face as he tried to find the words, obviously trying not to say exactly what had happened to Michael. Which was good, he was trying to keep things between those who already knew. “Can we just talk about it later?” he asked instead. “After work?”

Michael sat back in his chair. Did he really want to talk to Gavin about this shit? ... did he really have a choice? “Fine.”

Gavin looked relieved at that. “Thank you, Michael. Hey, good win today.”

A smile started to cross Michael’s face again at the memory of winning the VS. “Thanks, Gav.”

The two of them went back to work, and Michael went over what Gavin had just said. He couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t help himself from laughing? What the fuck? What kind of explanation was that? Though, the whole thing about not laughing at him, then what was he laughing at? And why did he talk to Ryan first?

Interesting things all the way around.

He considered this all day, the thought never quite far from his mind, even while recording. Finally, the day ended and Gavin came up to him, eyes serious. “We should probably go to your flat tonight,” he told him. “Meg can pick me up later. You... don’t have any alcohol and I know why now.”

”Yeah,” Michael muttered. “Things happened.”

Gavin reached out hesitantly. “I’m sorry,” he told him as he took his shoulder. “I didn’t mean to laugh. I just... it sounded so absurd that something like that could happen to someone like you. I wasn’t laughing at you or the fact it happened at you. I wish it hadn’t.”

Michael looked down at Gavin’s hand, feeling tired all of a sudden. He wasn’t the only one that wished it hadn’t happened. “Come on over. We’ll talk more at my place.”

* * *

As Meg drove away, Michael clicked the deadbolt home and sighed. That had been a talk. A long, painful talk. He hadn’t told Gavin what had happened during the rape or anything like he had with Ryan, but still... it was hard to talk that frankly about it.

Fuck, he wanted a drink. That had been hard. Michael rooted around in his fridge and cupboards, looking for anything alcoholic. Yeah, they had agreed that he shouldn’t drink, but he deserved one for that. Just a little drink. But they had been rather thorough when ridding his apartment of booze, so there was nothing. Michael let out a long breath, looking at all the open cabinets. There had to be something.

He could always go out to get something. But... no, that made him feel guilty. He had promised Ryan not to drink, and he knew why. He shouldn’t even be fucking looking around in his kitchen for something, shit. Why was he doing this? He knew better.

... but goddamn it he just wanted a drink. After everything that had happened, just one. Michael pushed a few pots aside, then paused. “Hello,” he murmured as he pulled out the bottle of Scotch. “I had forgotten about you.” Old as hell, expensive as shit, tasty as fuck, and alcoholic so he poured himself a glass and got to it. Just one.

Just one.

God. Michael blew out a long breath before taking a sip, wincing at the sudden oak taste flooding his mouth. Wow, they aged that shit for a long time in the barrel. It wasn’t that Gavin hadn’t been supportive, because he had. It was... God, yet again he had to relive that shit. He had to deal with the fact that yes, someone had overpowered him and broken him. Taken everything away that made him a man. And nothing he could do could stop him. Michael took another sip, sitting down hard at the table. He had to relieve that, and he would never stop doing that. It fucking defined his life, didn’t it. It would never stop doing that.

Michael didn’t realize when his glass emptied until he tried to take another sip and it didn’t come. That was fast. It really wasn’t going to hurt anyone if he had one more... The burn was nonexistent this time, the flavors coming out over his tongue as he sipped on it. This was some fucking good Scotch. Lots of subtle notes. Was that vanilla he tasted?

When that glass emptied, he tucked the bottle back in its hiding spot and rinsed out the glass. That was enough of that. He should probably go get ready for bed. Michael wandered towards the bathroom, noting that his balance wasn’t completely there and he might be more than a little toasted. Which was to be expected considering how fast he had downed that Scotch. But all he had to do was brush his teeth, have a glass of water, piss, and go to bed, and he’d be fine in the morning. He didn’t get drunk, so everything was fine. Ryan didn’t even have to know.

Michael stopped, looking in the mirror as he turned on the lights in the bathroom. God, he looked like he had a few, though. Eyes were a little glassy, face flushed... Slowly, he raised one hand to his head, all fingers but his index and thumb tucked in. He pressed his index finger to the side of his head as if it was a gun.

_Suicides go to Hell, and I’m already in Hell._

”Bang,” he whispered.


	8. Chapter 8

”So apparently we are really bad at keeping it secret that we’re together.” Michael leaned against Ryan’s desk, crossing his arms as a smirk crossed his face.

Ryan looked up with him, a rueful smile settling on his own lips. After Geoff and Gavin, it really was obvious they were terrible at it. It seemed like now Michael didn’t even want to try. Ryan shrugged, leaning back in his seat a bit. “You would think for two actors that we’d be better at it.”

That made Michael laugh a bit and lean down to give him a kiss. “Maybe we didn’t really want to hide it after all,” he told him, amusement in his voice as he pulled away, going to his desk.

Well then. That was nice, to have Michael be a little more open and happy. He almost seemed to be doing a little better after they had sex. His face was a little brighter, and he laughed a little more. If he was hiding that it was actually a bad idea, Ryan couldn’t tell. But right now, it seemed like it had been a step in the right direction. Though, wow, yeah, he now knew why Michael had been so sore for the following week. They had been careful and tried not to hurt Ryan as much as possible and he still turned out to be stiff and sore for days after. Felt good, though. If Michael never wanted to be bottom again, Ryan would gladly take it up the ass for the rest of their relationship.

He turned back to his work, frowning at what he was doing. This shouldn’t be giving him this much trouble. Finally, Ryan just stood up, leaving to get a Diet Coke and bleed off a little frustration. Too much bullshit.

Shit, he would need to be on The Know today. And soon. Ryan turned abruptly on his heel and went back to his desk. He didn’t want to keep Meg waiting on the set and he needed to make sure his work was saved. While he made the few clicks to save, he saw Geoff come over to him. “Tell Meg her boyfriend needs to stop playing pranks on Michael,” he told him mildly. “Because I’ve been watching your boyfriend start planning the payback and I’m starting to wonder if there will be an Achievement Hunter in the morning.”

”Film it and put it up as content,” was Ryan’s prompt response.

”Can’t do that if no one’s left to film it. Though, if you can convince Michael to dial it back, I can definitely get someone recording that shit.”

Ryan laughed at that a bit, turning the monitor off. “I’ll try to convince him to make it funny and watchable for our fans.”

”Cool. Say hi to Meg for me.” Geoff hesitated for a moment, then leaned in a bit. “Michael looks a lot better lately.”

Ryan looked over at Michael, noting the headphones and the way he absently bit at his thumbnail. “Yeah. It looks like he’ll be fine.”

A look of relief crossed Geoff’s face. “Oh thank God. Well, have fun with The Know and everything.” With that, Ryan nodded and left, a smile crossing his face at the knowledge there would be more content to film soon and that Geoff also noticed Michael was doing better.

* * *

Ryan couldn’t help but bust into laughter when he saw Gavin the next day. Michael had indeed toned down his prank and now Gavin was scooping feathers out of places he didn’t know he had. Shaking his head, he pulled out his phone and started recording, just in case.

Team Nice Dynamite were a threat to themselves mostly, Ryan was convinced of it.

”Oi, Ryan.” Gavin came over to him, shaking a feather out of his sleeve. “Can I talk to you?”

”Yeah, just show the camera how far Michael got you first.”

”Ryan,” Gavin whined, but turned to show the feathers clinging to the inside and out of the back of his shirt and pants. Man, his boyfriend really got him. “I really do need to talk to you,” he told him as he turned back around, serious.

Ryan shrugged, stopping his recording and going with him. On their way, Michael caught sight of Gavin and started cackling again, leaning back in his chair dangerously. It wouldn’t be the first time he fell if he did. Ryan just shook his head as they made their way to a different office, Gavin turning on the lights and shutting the door behind them. “This almost feels very formal and adult, Gavin,” he joked, turning to him.

”This is serious.” Gavin ran a hand through his hair, dislodging a stray feather. “What happened to Michael to make him worse?”Ryan blinked at him. “Worse? He looks like he’s doing better to me.”

”No, he’s not!” Gavin waved an arm, distress in every motion. “He’s... Ryan, that is the most forced act I’ve ever seen from him. Something is terribly wrong. You don’t see it?”

”N-no, I...” God. He couldn’t even imagine it. Everything about how Michael was acting seemed so natural. He didn’t seem like he was forcing anything. “He seemed like he was doing okay after. It seemed like it was helping him.”

”After what.” Ryan didn’t want to believe it, but Gavin almost sounded threatening. But it was something that impeded on his boi’s well-being and happiness...

But he didn’t want to say it because if Gavin was right, he fucked up badly. “He wanted to have sex,” Ryan finally admitted. “I saw no reason to say no and nothing before or during told me he was under any duress.”

”And what about after?”

”I fell asleep. I mean... Michael got up to take a shower, I think. I heard the shower running when I woke up. But he came back fine.” God. He had been so careful to pay attention and make sure Michael wasn’t pushing himself and to think he might have failed...

Gavin took a long breath. “Michael’s tucking himself into a shell,” he told him. “I can tell it’s an act and- well, I’ve gotten that close to him. You two shagging, it... he must have really been hiding how much he was pushing himself and how much it affected him.”

”Is that why you’ve been an asshole lately? Try to get him to open up?”

That caused a cheeky grin to cross Gavin’s face. “No, I’m just trying to get under his skin a bit. Of course-” Gavin plucked a feather out of his shirt and made a face. “I didn’t think he’d work with Meg to feather me.”

”Ah, so your girlfriend helped out with that. I was wondering who gave him the idea for the toned down prank.”

”Toned down?” Gavin looked alarmed at that. “It was going to be worse?”

”According to Geoff.” Ryan felt the humor of the situation bleed out of him as the conversation faltered, his mind going back to what Gavin said about Michael. It had been a mistake. Michael was pushing himself. He was worse than ever. God. “Gavin, I-”

”You care a lot about him, yeah?”

Ryan nodded.

”Then don’t shag him. Even I can see it’s a bad idea. I’ll try to work with Geoff to see what we can do to help him open up a bit.” Gavin twisted, shaking a few more feathers loose. “Bloody hell, they’re everywhere!”

Ryan chuckled, moving to leave. “I won’t. I’ll work with Geoff too. And I have to get back to work now.”

”I’ll be right back.” Gavin twisted again, pulling even more feathers out as Ryan left, shaking his head.

He had fucked up. He had royally fucked up.

Hopefully he could put it back together.

When he got back to the office, Michael wasn’t there. Ryan caught Geoff’s eye, nodding to Michael’s desk, only to get a shrug in response. Normally, that wouldn’t be worrisome, but after what Gavin had said... he turned to go back out to look for him. He just wanted to make sure he was okay.

”Hey, everything okay?” Jeremy asked as he walked by, looking concerned.

Probably for the look on his face. Ryan was fairly certain the worry was leaking through. “Have you seen Michael?”

”I think he went outside. Needed some air.”

”Thanks.” Outside. Ryan quickly made his way out. He could talk to Michael out there without anyone overhearing, so he could try to see if Gavin was right, and if he was, how he could try to put it back together.

At first, he couldn’t see Michael. No one was in the parking lot. Maybe Michael had already gone back inside, or Jeremy had been wrong and he had never come out to begin with? Then where would Michael be? Ryan let out a long breath, trying to think. Where?

The screech of tires broke his train of thought, making him look over to the side.

And nearly fall into cardiac arrest as he saw Michael’s limp body sliding down from the hood of a car.

* * *

One broken leg. Skull lacerations. A trip to the hospital unconscious.

Ryan felt sick as he looked over at Michael. If he had known Michael wasn’t ready, he wouldn’t have had sex with him. If he had known it was bothering him, he would have tried to help Michael more. Just... anything so Michael wouldn’t have been in that position for that car to jump the curb and hit him.

And now he laid in the hospital bed, looking up at the ceiling. They were waiting for Michael to be discharged, and for the doctor to come back with how to care for his cast. “Are you okay?” Ryan asked softly, trying to mean more than physically.

”I just got hit by a fucking car. How do you think I feel?”

”I mean-” Ryan paused, really looking at Michael. Was he... crying? “Are you in pain? You’re-”

”I’m what?” Michael snapped at him. Then, he inhaled raggedly, pressing his lips together. “I’m not...”

Ryan waited. He didn’t want to assume anything anymore.

”I’m not fine, Ryan.” His hands tightened on the bed as he said the words. “I... I didn’t want to wake up. I thought I... no, I had hoped I had died.” Michael raised one hand to wipe at his face as Ryan remembered to breathe, the words hitting him hard. “I’m not fine and I haven’t been since I’ve been raped,” he whispered. “I keep pretending I am and I’m not. I’m not fine.”

”... it’s okay,” Ryan finally told him quietly, taking his other hand. “I can help you.”


	9. Chapter 9

Pain woke Michael up. Groaning, he carefully sat up, staring dully down at his cast. Goddamn thing was annoying. He carefully reached over to his side table and grabbed the painkillers, taking one with the water sitting next to it and laying back down. Something of the narcotic family (or even something like Tramadol) would have been nice, but these suped up ibuprofens worked well too. Michael closed his eyes, waiting for them to kick in.

Waking up in the hospital had scared him. All he had remembered was the screech of tires and something hitting him. Some part of him had wondered if he had walked in front of a car without realizing it, those suicidal thoughts taking over and trying to end his life right then. Finding out that no, it was a fucking dumbshit driver that had lost control of his car and jumped the curb had been a relief, but it didn’t stop the fact that his first thought had been that he thought he had died, and the utter disappointment that it wasn’t true.

And then the utter fear that he actually wanted to die.

It took everything that he had to tell Ryan he wasn’t fine. To tell him that everything he had done that said he was ended up being a lie, a play. Michael opened his eyes, looking up at the ceiling. He had actually wanted to die. And he had hidden it from everyone just how much his rape had gotten to him.

He didn’t look forward to work on Monday. There would be people asking about what happened, if he was okay, that kind of thing. And he’d have to tell them something. Maybe just go on what happened with the car hitting him. He still didn’t want to talk just... openly about what happened to him three months ago.

Fuck. That was something he’d have to do, wasn’t it. Geoff had been right. He’d have to go see a shrink. Michael pressed the heel of one hand to his forehead, hissing as it hit a cut, and dropped it back to the bed. A fucking therapist. He was going to join the nuts and crazies to get talked at about his feelings. Maybe even go get put on a little pill because he had depression or PTSD or some shit over it. He threw an arm over his eyes with a groan. Who knew what the therapist would want him to do.

Hell, he didn’t even know where to start looking. How did one shop for therapists? It probably started with finding out who the fuck took his insurance. Well... Michael slowly got up, getting his crutches and hobbling over to his computer. He wasn’t going to sleep any time soon. His leg was still bothering him, and his mind was way too full. Instead, he started to look at his insurance’s website, looking up therapists in his area.

... goddamn there were a lot. He absently clicked on one, seeing that she specialized in anxiety, depression... and she wasn’t a therapist but a psychiatrist. Well, that was great. Michael sighed, clicking back and clicking on another. Eating disorders. Could he actually filter and get someone that specialized in dealing with rape victims? He looked for the option and grunted when he couldn’t find it. Great. Maybe he could go with one of those that said depression?

He did not realize just how many shrinks there were. Michael started clicking on a few more, taking note of a few that perked his interest. Of course, he would have to actually get an appointment, which if they were like a regular doctor, would mean weeks if not months. Fucking great. Well, he better start soon so he could get started.

God, how would he be able to do this? He’d have to fucking take time off during prime recording time. He doubted any therapist would be taking patients after normal hours. Or if they did, he wasn’t getting a spot because everyone wanted them. Geoff would probably understand but... fuck.

Michael let out a long breath, just staring at the page before him. What was he going to do?

* * *

”You okay there, Michael?”

Ryan’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. “Huh? Yeah, just thinking. What’s up?”

”You look like you were thinking pretty hard. Everything okay?” Ryan didn’t turn his head away from the road, but Michael could see his eyes flicking over to him occasionally as they drove. After what had happened, he insisted on driving Michael to and from work now.

”Just...” He carefully rubbed his face. “I need to address the whole ‘I’m not fine’ thing and get help. You’re great and all, but...”

”I’m not a professional,” Ryan supplied.

”Yeah. So... I’m thinking about seeing a therapist.” Michael looked nervously over to him, knowing that Ryan would probably support him, but not sure how he would take this.

”Really? That’s great!” All out enthusiasm, okay. “I mean, yeah, it’s your choice, and I’m so happy you made it. Geoff and I can help you find someone-”

”I’d rather-” Michael started, cutting him off before reconsidering. No, he shouldn’t turn down their help. It was big and scary by himself. “Thanks. It’s a lot of work.”

Ryan smiled at him as they pulled into the Achievement Hunter parking lot, stopping the car and turning to him. “Michael, I want to tell you something before we go in there. When you got hit by the car, I was so scared. I was afraid you were hurt worse than you are now, or... actually dead. It made me realize... I actually do love you, and I was afraid I wasn’t going to be able to say it.”

”Kinda sappy there, Ryan,” Michael murmured. And... wow. How did he react to that? He didn’t know if he loved Ryan back. He liked him a lot, liked dating him. But love? Wow. Okay, but they had been dating for two months, so the L bomb being dropped wasn’t completely unheard of.

Ryan gave him a kiss. “Let’s get to work,” he told him.

Michael nodded, feeling a little like Ryan was disappointed that he didn’t say he loved him back.

* * *

Michael stared at Geoff’s list, taking a deep breath. He didn’t know how to react when he had told him that he had been calling around and asking for therapists that specialize in rape therapy that took their insurance. In one way, it was kind of nice that he didn’t have to look around by himself. At the same time, fuck, why the hell had he done that behind his back before he said he needed help?

Because Geoff was the biggest dad of dads, of course. Michael snorted, running his thumb across the top name. He would do that kind of thing for the people he cared about. Which turned everything back to kind of nice that he had someone looking out for him.

He would have to get back to work at some point. Lunch was only so long. But he wouldn’t be able to call at any other time. Just... he needed to call. That was all he needed to do. Just make at least one call and see if this woman was taking new clients.

Though, Geoff probably already asked that.

Michael pulled out his phone, staring at the name as he started dialing the number. He didn’t push call, not yet. Just... stared at it. He was really going to do this. He was really going to call a therapist and say that ‘yes, hi, I need an appointment.’ He was going to do this.

For a moment, Michael was ready to lock his phone and go back to the office. He didn’t need to do this right now. It wasn’t as if they expected him to find someone right away. Geoff just gave him the list.

And he was being a coward. Michael hit the call button, lifting the phone to his ear. “Hello,” he said once someone picked up. “I’m calling to ask if you’re taking new clients. ... you’re not? Okay, thank you.”

That was that. He ended the call, staring at the next name. On to the next.

Lunch ended before Michael found one that was taking new clients.

* * *

Ryan was running his fingers through Michael’s hair again. He had been even more touchy-feely ever since he had been hit by the car, and Michael let him. It had been a rough time, and knowing now that Ryan loved him, he had an idea that Ryan probably wanted to make sure he was okay.

As for Michael, he just enjoyed having Ryan around. After what happened, he wanted to be near him. Have a little warmth, someone that loved him. Someone that would keep him from that bottle of Scotch in the kitchen.

Michael still hadn’t told Ryan about the alcohol. It was his, and it was expensive. That shit wasn’t going anywhere. But he could keep him from having another sip by just being there. And that was nice. It was just nice to have someone around, anyway. He had missed Ryan’s presence whenever he hadn’t been there lately.

”Did you find anyone today?” Ryan asked him, brushing his curls back from his face.

”Mm.” Michael yawned, shaking himself. “I did, but her next open appointment is in three weeks.”

”That’s not that bad.”

”I suppose not.” Michael hesitated, sitting up as he reached for his water. “... I made the appointment.” He took a sip, then settled back down next to Ryan. “So I’ll need a ride in three weeks on Wednesday at 2pm.”

”That’ll be no problem,” Ryan told him softly.

Michael looked up at him, seeing the love on his face, and smiled a bit. “Cool.”


	10. Chapter 10

Michael seemed so fragile under his hands. Normally he was a force of nature, even while relaxing, but after seeing him be hit by the car... Ryan stroked fingers through Michael’s hair, trying not to think about how that head had hit the windshield. He didn’t want to think about how lucky the car hadn’t be going that fast and had stopped immediately, so all Michael got out of it was a broken leg and the head wound. Everything could have been so much worse. Michael could have been hurt more, been in the hospital, or- Ryan forced himself to relax and not hug him tighter. 

It had been terrifying to think Michael might have died then. The entire time he was waiting for the ambulance, the drive after them to the hospital, and waiting for Michael to wake up... he was so worried that Michael wouldn’t wake up. And he had been so afraid he wouldn’t be able to tell him all the little things, like he wanted everything to be okay, he wanted to help him. He was afraid he wasn’t going to be able to say all sorts of things that an ‘I love you’ slipped into his thoughts, making him stop before Michael had woken up.

Ryan looked down at the cast encasing Michael’s leg. “How are you feeling?” he asked quietly, knowing it had been a while since his last dose of painkillers.

”Kinda thirsty.” Michael shifted, grabbing his crutches as he got up. “You want anything?”

”Got any Diet Coke left in there?”

”Thank God, you drank the last of it.”

”That’s not nice,” Ryan said mildly. He’d have to go shopping before he came over next time. “I’ll grab some water.”

Michael shrugged a bit as Ryan stood up as well, the two of them making their way to the kitchen. “So, I’ve been thinking,” he said as he got a glass. “We really need to get out of here eventually and do something like we did before. Like dinner and a movie or something. I’m getting cabin fever here! Hell, let’s go hang out with Geoff and Griffon a bit. That’s something new.”

That was, but... “There’s a lot of alcohol at the Ramsey’s,” Ryan reminded him gently, getting his own glass of water. “It’s probably better that you don’t go over there right now.”

”I can not drink alcohol while I’m over there!” Michael exclaimed. “Fucking Hell, Ryan. Do you also really think Geoff would serve me alcohol while there? Considering how you two have been talking?”

”I have no idea what Geoff would do,” he admitted. “But... Michael, do you really want to do this?”

”Are you trying to talk me out of it?”

”No, of course not! I’m just-” He wasn’t sure of anything after Michael made him think he was okay with having sex. “I just want to be clear.”

Michael grunted, draining his glass of water. “I’m sure,” he told him, putting the glass in the sink. “I’m tired of coming back here and watching stuff. I want to go hang out with people.”

Ryan nodded. “Okay then.” He drank his own water and put the glass aside, turning to Michael once he did. “Next Saturday?”

”Sounds good.”

Good. Ryan smiled, liking the sound of that. It sounded like... improvement. “Good,” he echoed.

Michael smiled back at him, then started to hobble around him, stopping briefly to give him a kiss. “Let’s get back to our shit.”

* * *

Life just fell into a normal rhythm. Ryan spent more time with Michael, picking him up and taking him home, but... he was just worried. If something happened while he was driving him home, at least he knew what happened. Though, he didn’t stay over that often. On Tuesday, he did. Michael hadn’t been doing well - more nightmares - and Ryan had stayed until Michael started to fall asleep. But otherwise he helped Michael get into his apartment and went home.

And every night, he stared at the ceiling, sleep not quite coming. Michael had his nightmares of being raped. Every time Ryan closed his eyes, he heard the screech of the car and saw Michael’s body. And every time, it was too late.

His eyes flew open as he inhaled sharply. With a twist of his head, he saw only twenty minutes had passed. Great. Another sleepless night. Every time he was about to dream, he was going to have his own nightmares about losing Michael. Ryan stared up at the dark ceiling, taking a deep breath.

He didn’t know where things would go from here. Before, he had a pretty good idea that things would just go the normal boyfriend route, and Michael would eventually get better. But now, that he admitted he wasn’t okay, and that he was going to a therapist, and that he had been hurt like that... He wanted to be a good, supportive boyfriend. Be there for Michael. Ryan rubbed his face, closing his eyes. He wanted to be there, but he was so tired of being supportive. It was tiring. And... he couldn’t really tell anyone how much this bothered him, how he felt about the whole thing because it was about Michael. The fact he felt tired and ineffectual didn’t matter. Helping Michael was what this was all about.

He was just so tired. A good night’s sleep, that’s all he wanted. Just a night where he wouldn’t be afraid that he’d wake up from a phone call saying Michael was in the hospital...

Ryan rolled over, curling up a little and tried to go back to sleep.

* * *

Geoff had gone the complete opposite route and had locked up his liquor. So all four of them had virgin drinks in their hands, Griffon gesturing with her’s while in the middle of a story.

”And then we tried to get it up on the truck. That completely bombed, by the way. Almost worked, but with all the rain it just kind of... slid out like a big wooden dick out of a metal vagina.” Griffon made an obscene gesture, making Ryan snort into his Diet Coke. Michael snickered into his drink, taking a small sip.

”That’s not even what happened when you actually got it to the show,” Geoff told her, putting his arm around her. “That part’s the best.”

”Mm, hold up.” Michael put down his cup and struggled to his feet, grabbing his crutches. “I gotta go piss.”

”You know where it is.” Geoff watched him hobble down the hall, then turned to Ryan. “You guys doing okay?”

”Hm? Yeah. We’re fine.” Ryan took a sip of Diet Coke, yawning. He really hadn’t slept very well last night. Another nightmare about losing Michael. They’d go away once the memory had time to fade.

Griffon regarded him, finger tapping on her drink. “And I’m going to call bullshit on that,” she announced. “You look like shit, Ryan.”

”She’s right.” Geoff dropped his arm from around her, leaning towards Ryan a bit. “Dude, have you been sleeping at all? You look pale as dicks, man.”

Ryan shrugged. “Just... it’s nothing. Bad dreams.”

”Ryan, man, don’t be getting depressed too. I don’t know what I’m going to do if both of you end up sucking the same depression cock,” Geoff told him, worried.

”I’m not,” Ryan assured him. “I’m just a little tired. And I just saw my boyfriend get hit by a car. It’s a little traumatic. But I’m fine. Once there’s been a little time between then and now, I’ll stop having such bad dreams.”

Griffon watched him, then shook her head. “If you need anyone to talk to, we’re here,” she told him. “Don’t do what Michael did and wait until it’s almost too late. Talk to someone when you need to.”

”I’m pretty certain I’ll be okay,” he told her. “But thank you. Both of you.” He hesitated for a moment, then leaned in. “Though, I can’t wait for Michael to get back. What _did_ happen when you finally got to the show?”

Griffon laughed, taking a sip and leaning back. “Okay, so...”

* * *

Michael wobbed a bit on his crutches as he pulled out his key to his apartment. “So, that was fun.”

”Yeah,” Ryan agreed, watching him open the door. Tonight, he just... didn’t want to leave Michael with a kiss and goodbye. He wanted to come in. Curl up with him.

He wanted to spend the night.

Instead, Michael leaned in and gave him a kiss. “See you Monday,” he told him as he went in, leaving Ryan behind.

”See you,” he echoed, waving as the door closed.


	11. Chapter 11

Next week was his shrink appointment. Michael stared at the cabinet, that thought running through his mind. Wednesday next week, he would be taking off early from work to go talk about his rape and how it made him feel to a total stranger. A professional, but still someone he had never met before and he had no idea what he’d think of her.

That had been something Michael had noticed. All of the therapists that Geoff had given him had been female. He... really didn’t know what to make of that. Yeah, maybe it’d be better for him not to talk to a guy about what happened, considering he had his ass pounded, but he wasn’t sure he’d be comfortable talking to a woman about these kind of things. Which just led him back to getting no help at all. Fuck. Maybe it would have been better if that car had just killed-

No. He wasn’t going to think that. Michael made his choice and grabbed the Scotch. He’d just drink that thought out of his head. This was alcoholic as shit so it should wipe it out pretty quickly. Just wipe it out and knock him down for the night so he didn’t have to think about how better off everyone would be if he had died. Because rationally that was wrong. Emotionally, he still couldn’t shake it. He still couldn’t shake the feeling that it would be better for him to be gone.

The first gulp scorched a line down his throat, a welcome burn of alcohol. It tasted like everything he had given up since Ryan found out. Michael settled himself in a chair as he held the glass, taking another sip and relishing the feeling of booze in his mouth. It tasted like parties with Geoff and nights with Gavin. It tasted like podcasts and goofing off. Fucking hell, it tasted like being normal again. Ryan was great, and he understood why he said no alcohol, but he missed this. Michael took another sip, leaning back in the chair.

Also, where did Ryan get off saying that he loved him? That had weighed on him ever since he had said it. That was a really heavy thing to say. Why would anyone want to say that to him? Not like he’d be able to do any protecting of the Ryans. He couldn’t even protect himself. Not against cars, not against rapists... fuck, it was looking like not even against himself. No reason for Ryan to have said that, knowing what he did.

That he knew he loved him when Michael had been hit by the car- well. Afraid of losing him. Losing what? What was he losing? Michael would have said a good friend but obviously it was more than that. And then he said that and... Michael didn’t know if he felt the same. He didn’t know if he loved Ryan back and that was important. The relationship shouldn’t continue if he didn’t love him back.

Michael poured himself another glass, knocking back another gulp as he thought. He shouldn’t, but he will. Because he’s a selfish shit like that. Because he wanted someone like Ryan, someone that would actually love a broken mess like him.

Fuck, a lot of this mess was his fault, wasn’t it. Not just going to the gym when it was dark, but the rest of it. Him letting himself get smacked in the head. Him not letting Ryan know how much that bothered him. Him letting this get to this point. The next drink went down so smoothly that it should worry him, but it didn’t. He was so lost inside his own head by now. So lost inside the should have, would have.

But it didn’t matter. What mattered was he was two drinks in and should go to bed. Michael tried to wobble to his feet and realized that was going to be hard. He already didn’t have the same balance on crutches, and now with alcohol involved... Michael tried to make his way to the bedroom, only to lose control and crash down onto the floor.

”Fuck!”

He struggled to get back onto his feet, one had coming up on a nearby end table. Bed. He needed to get to bed. But his balance wasn’t having it, and his hand slipped, his shoulder hitting the end table hard. He breathed heavily as he dropped to the ground, hand holding his shoulder.

Floor was good. Floor was fine.

Floor would let him sleep.

* * *

He just wanted to get this shit done already. Going day by day until he could see the therapist put him on edge. And he knew everyone else could tell because he was snapping more than usual. He had seen the way Geoff had looked at Ryan. It didn’t matter, though. Just a rough patch. He would be fine.

Fuck, would he just stop fucking thinking the word ‘fine’? Wasn’t that how he got in trouble in the first fucking place?!

Michael grabbed his crutches and started away from the office, wanting to get some space between him and people he could really fuck over. This was tiring. Just... he wanted to go back to how things used to be. Not worrying about being fine or not and how it related to everyone else. Just... go be an asshole and play video games.

He sighed, leaning against the wall. That was the thing. He wasn’t going to be able to go back to how it used to be. But he’d have to learn how to deal with how they are now, and that was not coming easily.

”Michael...” Gavin came up next to him, his face fallen into worried lines. “Are you okay, boi?”

”I’m just... tired,” he told him, trying to put everything he felt into that word without having to say it all. Tired of being a mess, tired of being a broken piece of shit, tired of being... tired.

Gavin frowned, opening his mouth just to close it. “Do you want to do something tonight?” he finally asked.

That... God. He wanted to. But he was so tired of everything. He just wanted to go home and rest until his appointment. “Nah. I think I’ll just go home and sleep tonight.”

”Oh. Ryan’s not going over there?”

Michael shook his head. “Ryan drops me off, but he doesn’t always stay over. He probably won’t tonight.”

”Oh.” Gavin fell silent, looking a little confused. “I thought you two were dating,” he said after a little bit.

”We are. We just don’t have to be up each other asses all the time.”

”Oh. I just thought...”

”Gavin, I really don’t have the fucking patience to deal with this shit,” Michael told him tiredly when he trailed off. Ryan didn’t have to stay over. It was fine. “What is it?”

”You just seem so sad,” he told him. “I just thought you needed someone to be there. Is everything okay between you and Ryan?”

”Yeah.” Michael shifted his weight so he could rub his eyes. Fuck, he felt so tired. “Everything’s fine. Look, don’t worry about me. Everything’s going to be okay.”

Gavin hesitated, then smiled a bit. “Yeah. You’re Michael Jones! You’re always strong.”

The words felt hollow to him as he smiled back. “Yeah. Strong.”

He wished he felt as strong as Gavin thought he was.

* * *

Ryan didn’t come over that weekend.

Michael knew what was going on. He had things to do, repairmen to wait for. It all made perfect sense and all felt absolutely horrible. But it didn’t matter anyway. He had to take at least one weekend away from Ryan. That was normal. And he could deal. He had some games on Steam he hadn’t played yet, after all.

The nightmares had lessened a bit over the past week. That was good. He had been able to get a full night’s sleep last night, even if he had woken up feeling like he hadn’t. The fact he had slept through the night meant everything. It was starting to get a lot better to the point that Michael wondered if he really did need the appointment. He was starting to do better!

Yeah, all he really needed was time. He had gone through a rough patch there, and if he had a little more time, all those feelings of wanting to die would go away. Everything would be fine and he wouldn’t have to spend the time and money on a fucking shrink.

Except that Geoff would put his foot down about that. If he didn’t go to at least one appointment, he would not be happy and let Michael know all about it. Naturally he’d be friends with someone that was also basically his dad. Of course. Michael sighed, picking up his glass of water and taking a sip. And of course Ryan would also try to convince him to go. Not just because he was his boyfriend, but because he actually truly cared about him.

Next week, Wednesday. He would go to the therapist and see if it was worth his time then. Probably not. And then he could go on with his life.

Michael took another sip of water, then nodded. Yeah. He could totally do that.


	12. Chapter 12

Wednesday. Two more days. Even though he wasn’t the one that had the appointment, Ryan felt nervous. What if Michael didn’t like this therapist? What if things just didn’t go well? But that was a thing: He couldn’t make Michael do anything. He couldn’t make Michael like the therapist or even go back if he did. All he could do was be there for him.

Michael did seem like he was doing better. Like he was sleeping better. That was good. He did want to take him out to dinner at some point this week - maybe after the appointment? There was no way to be able to tell how it’d go. If it went well, a nice date. If badly, an apology for it going so poorly.

He just... wanted what was best for Michael. He hadn’t deserved what happened to him, and he didn’t deserve what happened after. Michael wasn’t the best person in the world, but he was still a person and deserved something good. Something that wasn’t a cycle of nightmares and possible PTSD and depression.

Two more days. Ryan stretched as he got up, going to get another can of Diet Coke. Michael had to be climbing the walls over this. Maybe he could take him out now, try to get his mind off things. That would probably be nice. On his way back to his desk, he paused by Michael, tapping his shoulder. “Hey.”

Strangely, he winced slightly before taking off his headphones. “What’s up?”

”You okay? Something wrong?” Did he hurt himself? He did seem to do well with the crutches, but still.

”Fell.” Michael shrugged. “I... fell.”

The way he said it made it sound like there was a story there. Ryan raised an eyebrow, and Michael shook his head. Okay then. “I was just wondering what you wanted to eat after work,” he asked instead. He’d probe about how he fell later. Considering he had crutches it wasn’t impossible to think one slipped or he tried to get around without them and fell, but if that was the case, Michael would have said that.

”Soup and sandwiches.” And Michael wasn’t feeling well. That was his comfort food now. Ryan just nodded, keeping the worry off his face as he did so. The way Michael scowled at him either said he didn’t do so well, or Michael knew him well enough that he knew that Ryan was worrying. “Yeah. Soup and sandwiches.”

”Okay,” Ryan told him, leaning down to give him a kiss. The press of lips made Michael smile a bit as he pulled back. “Tonight.”

”If you two lovebirds are done making us sick with how sweet you are, we’re going to get ready to record,” Geoff announced. “Come on, let’s get to it.”

Michael laughed suddenly, his eyes sparkling. “We’ve only begun to be too sweet for words,” he told him.

Ryan laughed as well as he straightened up, going to his desk. It had been so obvious everyone had known. And it was so nice not to try to hide it anymore.

* * *

Michael usually had things to say when good shows suddenly went very, very bad. Ryan looked over at him, seeing him absently running his spoon through his soup. Slowly, he took a sip, then went back to contemplating it. “Okay, what’s wrong?” Ryan asked.

He didn’t jump, but it was obvious Michael had been surprised. “Jesus,” he muttered, letting go of his spoon. “Okay. So... I fell, right?” At Ryan’s nod, he took a deep breath. “Ryan... I fell because I got drunk.”

That... confused him. “We got rid of all the alcohol here,” he told him. “Did you go out to get more?”

”No.” Michael put down his soup and rubbed his face. “We missed some Scotch I had hidden because it’d really old and really expensive and I didn’t want to drink it all right away. I had forgotten I had it.” Ryan didn’t say anything, letting Michael speak. Waiting for him to say more. Michael took a deep breath, not looking at him as Ryan waited, patiently. “I still have all those thoughts,” he finally said. “I just. Wanted them to go away.”

Ryan had no idea what to say. Fuck, he had never even dreamed he’d be in this position. “Do you want me to stay over?” he finally asked, not sure what else to say.

Michael considered it, and looked back at the kitchen. Then he looked at Ryan. “It’s in the second to furthest cabinet on the bottom,” he told him. “Behind some pots. Just... get rid of it somehow.”

That wasn’t the answer to his question, but Ryan stood up, going into the kitchen. He found it pretty quickly, sighing when he saw how much was gone, and uncorked it over the sink. It was a shame, something that old and expensive going down the drain (he could almost hear Geoff scream at him), but he tipped the bottle anyway. Once it was done, Ryan came back to the living room, sitting down next to Michael. “Do you want me to go?” he asked, this time giving him an out.

He hesitated, and Ryan waited. He’d wait for an answer either way. “No,” he finally said. “I mean, yeah, stay. Just... stay, tonight.”

Ryan reached out, wanting to rub his ankle like before, and instead ran his thumb over Michael’s hand. “Okay.”

* * *

It was probably a good sign that it had been thirty minutes and Michael still hadn’t come out of the office. Ryan looked down the hall, then back at his phone. He had managed to stay long enough with the therapist to talk about something. That was good.

Geoff kept texting him and he just had to keep telling him the same thing, he did not know what was going on. Michael was in his therapy session. That was all he knew. And he’d be in it for thirty more minutes. Unless something happened and he left early, but Ryan was hoping that wouldn’t happen. He fired off another text to Geoff and put down his phone, sighing.

She seemed nice when she came out. Middle aged, with a very kind face. Ryan had no idea how she actually was, though. And he had no idea how much Michael was actually telling her. How much was he saying about his rape and how he felt after?

It had bothered him a lot these last few days. To the point Ryan had stayed over both nights. While it was nice to spend the night, it worried him what it meant. Michael was strong. He was taking steps to make sure he remained that way. But it still worried him that the first time he wanted Ryan to spend the night wasn’t for romantic reasons, but because he didn’t feel safe around himself.

Ryan would never tell him, but he spent a good fifteen minutes the first night in Michael’s room, holding his hand while he slept before going out to the living room and the couch. He just didn’t know what to do anymore.

Well, he did know. Be there for Michael. Try to be as supportive as possible. It was just everything was going so far from what he had expected that he didn’t know what he could do now to help him more. Yeah, bring him to his therapy appointments, but what else could he do?

He wasn’t getting depressed himself, he knew that. Just... a little overwhelmed by everything. This was so far outside of things he knew what to do. He could try, but there was only so much he knew he could do. Only so much he could help Michael with. After hearing that Michael had still gotten drunk... fuck, was there really much he could do if Michael put his mind to it?

These sessions better help. Ryan had no idea what he’d do if they didn’t.

A sound of a door opening made Ryan sit up a little bit, then stand as Michael came down the hallway. He looked... like he had been crying. But he looked resolute. Ryan looked up at the therapist as he came closer, a little alarmed.

”I’m fine,” Michael told him roughly. “Let’s go.”

”Be careful out there,” she told them. “It was nice meeting you, Michael. I’ll see you next week.”

Michael nodded as they left, carefully making their way down steps to Ryan’s car. “How was it?” he asked quietly as he unlocked the doors.

He didn’t answer at first, getting into the car and situating himself before speaking up. “She’s nice. We talked about what happened. I have an appointment next week with her.”

Ryan started up the car, looking over at him. “Did you like her?”

”Yeah.” Michael shrugged. “She’s cool with you being my boyfriend. She’s... okay.”

That sounded promising. Ryan pulled out of the parking spot and started out into the traffic, thinking. “Are you okay?” he finally asked.

Michael was silent for a while, then cleared his throat. “She asked some hard questions,” he told him. “We talked about my rape and... it was different. Made me think about what happened. What it meant.” He stared out the front window for a while, then took a deep breath. “It’s next Wednesday again. I think she wants to see me every week for a while.”

”Geoff’ll understand.”

”Yeah, but you’re the one that has to drive me,” Michael retorted. “And this cast comes off in a few weeks too, so you’ll drive me to that.”

Ryan shrugged. “That’s fine. I have to get out of the office more anyway.”

Michael sighed, tilting his head up. “You’re too nice,” he mumbled, almost too low for Ryan to hear. “Fine. Hey...” He turned to Ryan. “Can we stop for food? Spilling the darkest secrets of your soul makes you starving.”

”Sure.” He was starting to get hungry himself. “You want to pick something up or go out?”

”Pick something up. I just want to go home.”

”We can pick something up and and I can drop you off,” Ryan started before Michael shook his head.

”You’re spending the night again. I... I think that’d be best for me.”

Ryan chanced a look at him. “Yeah,” he told him. “I can do that.”

He could help Michael pick up the pieces of himself by being there for him however he wanted. And now that Michael was helping as well... maybe they could rebuild him better than ever.

Ryan looked over at him as they reached a light, smiling. Yeah. It’d work out. Eventually.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh goodness, I think I'm finally done! Everyone, you are seriously the best. You give me support when it comes to hard subjects like these. If you clicked on these stories in curiousity, if you left kudos, if you left any sort of comment... you are the best. I love you. Thank you so much.


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